I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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