Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
