I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
