i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
