Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
