either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
