dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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