Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
