fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
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