i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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