4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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