you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
