Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
