I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
