My friends, they love my intelligence
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
