I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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