Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
