Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
