I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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