Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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