That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
