your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
