Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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