i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
