she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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