just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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