You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
