At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
