so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
where are my eyebrows?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
