no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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