We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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