I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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