My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You may now shotgun with the bride
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
