So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
