the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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