He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
