they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
