I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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