gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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