Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
