I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
