When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
