You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
