When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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