The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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