I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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