sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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