guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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