what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm passing your future prison.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
