I seem to have left my pride at pride
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
