tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up under a house in Key West
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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