Who wears a wallet chain?!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
