what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
