I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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