Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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