what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
