I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is the high leading the old right now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
