Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
